Life becomes somewhat harder when you’re a parent, easy and simple don’t exist anymore. Since becoming a mother, I have learnt a few tips that I want to share with you all! So here you go, my top 10 tips for all you parents and parents to be out there! Please note that although some of these tips do have a true aspect to them, it’s just for a little laugh. Please don’t take it too seriously!
If you’re making yourself and your child the EXACT same meal, try putting your meal on their plate and theirs on your plate. Why? Because no matter what, they are going to want the food on your plate! Win win for both of you because now you get to eat the one on your child’s plate, which was really yours to begin with.
Don’t ever check on your child if they are playing quietly on their own because they are either 1. Doing something you really don’t want to know about or 2. They were just playing independently on their own for once, but because you checked on them they remember you exist and want of ALL your attention again. IT’S A TRAP!
When you go to a restaurant, avoid coming face to face with the devil (aka your child’s other side) by ordering something for them before you even sit down, this way they have something to eat and be entertained. They will eat some throw the rest on the ground but hey, they’re quiet!
Another restaurant tip! Say goodbye to those lovely, fancy restaurants you and your partner use to love and hellllo to where the hell is a family based restaurant with a playground so I can try to eat my whole parma while my kid is going down the slide.
Find out where all the lifts are in your shopping centres BEFORE having a baby and a pram and no bloody clue how to get onto the second floor in a shopping centre you thought you knew so well.
Don’t be miss judgey. Because holla that was me, I judged everyone when I was pregnant. ‘omg I will never bribe my child’ ‘my toddler with never chuck tantrums in public’ ‘is she letting her kid lick the floor?’ These are the parents I use to judge. I am now THAT parent. You’ll either get to the stage when your child is the same age and you find yourself doing everything you said you wouldn’t. Or you’ll still just be miss judgey, and no one likes her.
Be prepared to hate every single neighbour, animal and noise that wakes your child up from nap time (otherwise known as ‘get shit done’ time). I always thought I could never hurt a fly, but the neighbour’s dog that barks constantly, the people who toot their car horn to say they’re out the front, and people who knock on my door really loud and try to sell me something test those boundaries.
ONLINE SHOPPING WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE. Shop online for everything! Clothes, food, friends, wine…everything! popping down the street doesn’t exist anymore, shopping isn’t fun anymore and eating out will probably do more harm than good. My biggest advice is to be a hermit for the rest of your life, and shop online.
As much as you want too, don’t hit the little kid at the playground who just hurt your child intentionally…you will probably go to jail.
Put some money away before the babies born for yourself. This way you can go spoil yourself with a new (in date) wardrobe after babies born. Because after you have your baby, you’ll never want to spend a dime on yourself when baby clothes are so cute and they can never have enough!! I didn’t do this tip and I’m still wearing the same clothes or wore when I was 16, not joking…
I hope you enjoyed my 10 tips on surviving parenthood!